I had a dream this morning. A nightmare. In it, my brother had raped me and was now manipulating me into having sex with him. I knew he was manipulating me, but I couldn’t stop him. So I caved in. Later, I went home to my apartment, this very one. But instead of my current boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, Jacob, was living with me. He was packing up his clothes, and he was angry. I asked him where he was going, what he was doing. He called me names and accused me of voluntarily sleeping with a rapist. Not just a rapist but the man who had raped me. I wept hysterically. I begged him not to go, crying the whole time, “You don’t understand. You don’t know how he manipulates me.”

Still in the dream, the door bell rings. I remember that Nyte is coming with a girl who is interested in me. I realize there’s mountains of clothes all over my living room. I answer the door and ask them to continue waiting there. I close the door in their faces (which I would never do) and start tossing the piles of clothes into my bedroom. The whole thing takes several minutes, and I’m not even thinking about Jacob anymore, I’m so horrified at the condition of my apartment for company.

I finally open the door. The girl I’m supposed to be meeting is weeping uncontrollably. Nyte walks in with her boyfriend, nods toward the girl, and says with a voice of compassion and understanding–very unlike Nyte–”Somebody needs your attention.”

That’s where the dream ends.

I missed my bus and train to work this morning because of that dream. I woke up panicked, barely aware of my surroundings. Brw was awake, texting or something. He instantly held me. But even human touch didn’t help me. I was gone. I’ve been gone all day, dissociating with a happy mask and a giggle. How do I digest this dream? Brw suggests it means I’m dealing with my feelings of guilt regarding my rape. I don’t know. I just don’t know. All I know is, I’m falling apart. I’m in constant pain as of late. And there’s no one I know how to trust.

I don’t know what to do with this right now. I’ll discuss this more tomorrow. Maybe distance will give me perspective.