4:00 AM. I should be asleep, but the idea doesn’t interest me. I should take a Clonazepam, but I won’t. I take its “as needed” instructions too seriously, and I have a strict definition of “need.” If I can make it through the day without it, I want to try.
Of course, that’s strictly going against doctor’s orders. She said she wanted me to taking a full milligram a day, every day, as long as I could stay awake on that much. But the minimum, she insisted, must be .5 mg. I can divide it up any way I want, but not taking it is not a choice.
So, I usually take .5 at night and spread two doses of .25 throughout the day. Today, I only took the .5. That was about twenty hours ago. I just hate medication. I wish I didn’t have to take any of it.
Ugh. I’m such a fool. I’m like a diabetic who won’t take her insulin, except instead of dying, I collapse.
I’m going to bed as soon as I post this, and I’m taking the .5 mg. This behavior, born of fear, is my enemy, an agent of the vicious depression that’s gripped my mind and won’t let go. The Clonazepam will circumvent all that, knock me out, and—most importantly—I won’t dream. That’s the good part. That’s the part I forgot until just now. I won’t dream. Oh, God! There’s nothing to be afraid of tonight! I’ll take the pill, and tomorrow, when I’ve slept, I’ll see how important it is to take my medication.
Or not, but I can’t deny, there’s something to be said for a pill.
Does my attitude and my need make me a pill-popper or a survivalist? I can’t tell. Can you?
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Luz, I have seen depression up close as my mum battled with it for the best part of 12 years.
You will most definitely not feel like yourself when you are taking pills, but that is the point you know? The pills will change you, and they will change your personality, but in the background they will also heal you. As long as you’re not happy taking them it will be easier to drop them when you’re better.
And one more thing, don’t be too upset about not being normal, I am weird and proud of it!! Not creepy weird I hope, but different. And we should celebrate difference, it is the variety in life and in Nature that has built our beautiful planet. Who wants to be normal anyway?! And what does it even mean?! No, I am quite happy being different, even if it places me in a minority.
Embrace who you are. Don’t care about what other people do or say!
And I’m sorry to hear about your mother. It must have been incredibly difficult for you, watching it affect her. Though it doesn’t sound like she’s alive, I hope she found some peace at some point.
hi luz
we’re here. your readers. at least I am.
the fact that you are resiting taking your pills shows that you are ready to fight your depression. you may not have the tools right now, but you have the determination. so, it’s probably best to take them for now so that your brain can re-wire itself, or at least for a while, but always have present that pills will never be the final solution.
all the best.
P
Sigh. Yes, of course, you’re right. I should kill the reluctance—
—which is why I’m proud to announce that I made up a schedule for when I will be taking my doses, set up alarms, and noted how many milligrams I’ll be taking at that time!
I’ll take them diligently, but I’m not going to be happy about it. I just remember too vividly wanting so bad to be “normal,” and the pills remind me of that insecurity. I’ll never be anything like normal. There will always be a darkness ruining the best things.
I hope I’m just feeling this hopeless because I’m tired.
Thanks for the words, Paulo. I’ll be keeping them in mind, especially as I consider the eventual ramifications of introducing all these strong, foreign chemicals into my body day after day.