Today was a good day. I was nauseous and had to force myself to eat a salad for lunch; I was exhausted in a very literal sense; and I experienced stabbing stomach pains as I panicked during the last half hour of work—all while making sure I didn’t waste the company’s time. It was a good day because I only experienced pique panic for an hour or so. I went through most of the day distracted by deadlines and meetings and passive aggressive emails.
On the one hand, it makes me sad that a good day, these days, is a day I’m completely distracted, even overwhelmed, by mindless work. Essentially, good days are the days I best dissociate.
Damn. I miss the girl who wanted to feel each day. I miss the girl who saw such sad beauty and meaning in everything.
On the other hand, my mind was quiet enough to allow me to do my work. The thought thrills me! Maybe the Clonazepam is working. Maybe the 30 mg of Lexapro isn’t too high for such a tiny girl. Maybe things won’t hurt so much from now on.
I hope. I hope. I’m so afraid it won’t—stop.
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Of course, you’re right, Paulo. I shouldn’t read the side-effects information they give me. In fact, I haven’t done so for several drugs now because I didn’t want to risk a hypochondriac’s reaction. But then the symptoms get too strong.
I remember with Celexa, I was dry heaving every morning for months before I finally admitted to myself it was the medication. I hadn’t read any literature on it but for the part on recommended usage, and I hadn’t googled it either. With Clonazepam, I only wanted to know, how do I use this?
Now that I’ve read the literature, after these side-effects have bound my thoughts to sleep and knives, I’m becoming increasingly tired of pharmaceuticals. I know I can’t be off drugs entirely. I remember how sick I became when I was just on 20 mg of Lexapro. I can’t go back to that.
But here I am, wondering if that depression wasn’t better than this one.
God, I’m tired. I’m tired in so many different ways. I didn’t know I could feel this way.
Go Luz! Each day that you feel better is a step in the right direction even if it is with the help of medication.
Luiza does make a good point though, all these medicines have so many side-effects that is scary even thinking about it, I always tried to stop my mum reading the indications because it’s enough in itself to make your head spin
Hi Luz,
I noticed how depressed you were the other day and now knowing the dose of clonazepam you’re having daily, I couldn’t help but thinking these two are related.
I am not a doctor, and I am aware that each case is different and should be dealt very individually. I don’t even know you, but I would just like to request you to evaluate with your doctor whether the strong depression you’ve been feeling might be related to the drug.
I got scared because I got heavily depressed with a much smaller dose and had to stop with this medicine; would just like to make sure you’re taking care.
Here’s the drug information so you can take a look>
http://www.rxlist.com/klonopin-drug.htm
I am really sorry if I am being invasive – please disregard this comment if you feel I’m being so, after all I don’t know your history with this medicine and the strength/frequency of your panic attacks.
All the best,
What I hate, what I can’t stand about myself or what this life is doing to me, is that if this drug wasn’t making me as tired as it has been, I would tolerate the suicidal thoughts. Isn’t that sad? I care more about being able to function for my job than I do my mental sanity. I have days I can’t stop thinking, how can I possibly believe this will ever get better when everything I try makes me feel worse?