I wish I could just make a complete break from my past, but the memories and the flashbacks: it isn’t easy to put the past behind you when every day forces you to relive it.
Even if I didn’t have the flashbacks, how can I ignore the experiences I’ve had? How can I start my life over, fresh? Only forgetting can help me, but I believe the pain would remain nevertheless. Back when I was in denial, back when I didn’t remember a thing, I still suffered. I still cried every day. I just didn’t know why I was crying, and that made the pain worse.
It’s not just the memories. It’s the lesson you learn, the broken image of control.
With no sense of control, I become convinced the bad things that happened to me could happen again at any moment. So, I become hypervigilant, hyperaware. In the face of that, no amount of human reasoning about statistics and civilization can completely quell the animal instinct to cower from perceived predators: in this case, men.
In short, your logic is right: our minds make us. But your proposition is problematic. I desperately wish to leave the past where it belongs, but it won’t leave me alone.
Just like Andy wouldn’t.
I hate these cycles, these themes and motifs. Every day, time repeats.
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You do help. When you comment here, when we hold our virtual conversations, that helps. To me, you do enough. xo
you’re right of course, a complete break is nigh on impossible… and I understand that lack of control exacerbates the trauma. but you gotta start somewhere, I don’t know what wisdom I have if any. all I know is that we all have within us the power to survive, we are extremely resilient beings. we all have our ways of coping, everyone is different, just keep searching for yours. I can see that you want to, that’s already a start, you are writing to see if it helps, that’s another step. I dunno know, just keep looking for your way… I wish I could help more!