This is the original end to yesterday’s post. I couldn’t delete it completely, but I couldn’t post it either. Sam tells me those are the things I need to post. So.
Lately, she makes me feel very weak. Even Sam has commented it to me in front of her. “She always acts strange when you’re over. It’s a thing she has,” Sam lightly tells Clara.
I swallow the flash of anger toward Sam—and toward myself—and I isolate. I’m frozen, thinking of what Clara will think of me now that she knows she makes me nervous. Male sex symbols don’t get nervous. I’m certain she’ll any minute realize I’m still madly in love with her. Then, in a shoddily-executed plan, she’ll instantly cut off physical and virtual contact, thereby extracting herself from my life, all because she doesn’t want to “keep hurting” me with her continued presence. At least, that’s what I’ve done to guys.
The Buddhist and the writer in me tell me it’d only be karma, poetry.
This is only one nightmare scenario flashing through my head as I hold my breath waiting for her reaction.
I’m still waiting for her response. She sometimes surprises me.
Just not tonight. My heart broke as we all three talked past Sam’s comment. I noted she didn’t insist on talking about my feelings.
I know it wasn’t her responsibility to insist. Nor should I have hoped so much from her. They’re my feelings and my responsibility to defend.
I just hoped.
That hope represents a level of neediness I’m not comfortable feeling.
Actually, I retract that. Feelings are never wrong; and while we’re wrong when we ignore them, we’re sometimes wrong to express them. Instead, I’d better say, it’s a level of neediness I shouldn’t ever express, though I can’t go on without addressing it.
It’s why it wouldn’t work out. It wouldn’t work.
And I don’t want her. We’re too different. I’m not like her.
I want to kiss you. “How are you?”
She smiles and says pretty things about her life.
I want to say pretty things, too.
I can’t think of any.
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Luz,
In terms of quality of writing, Sam is right – these texts you cut are probably the best ones – this particular post is fantastic.
In terms of yourself, what you feel like or feel not like publishing… I’m afraid Sam cannot tell you that.
Most part of the job I had to do after being raped was learning to draw the line again – como “hasta aquí puedo ir y hasta allá ya no puedo, es el límite personal mío”.
Entiendes? wenno perdóname si estoy siendo invasiva, sólo quería compartir un poquito de lo que sentí de tu post basada en mi experiencia personal… Un beso grande!
LOL. I always smile when you suggest you’re being invasive. It shows a respect for my boundaries, a respect many deny me because I expose my feelings online. I wonder if showing a “private” part would merit me an equally violent reaction.
Graçias por siempre dejandome mensajes. :* Besos y abrazos.
bueno, quien mejor sabe de tu vida es tu misma, no es verdad? Y además, después de algunos años haciendo terapia para recuperarme de los abusos que pasé, aprendí como es importante sentir que nuestras fronteras son seguras y que nuestras ideas y decisiones son respetadas… pienso que el mismo debe ser importante a ti también…
Espero que estés bien, un beso!!
¡Que verdad! Gracias por pensando en y respetando mis fronteras. Es tan raro encontrar alguen que se a comprometido a su terapia, menos que se a entregado tan completamente y lo a sustenido por tanto tiempo, que as llegado a un lugar desde que uno puede darle a otro el respeto apropiado. Es algo que espero encontrar en mis amigas físicamente más cerca.
Thanks for the comfort from afar. :*
Romans 15: 13
Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.
I’m sure it applies to sister’s, too.
Just relax and try not to judge. None of us can know exactly what’s going on in someoneelse’s mind.