I think it’s more valuable to write about how I see the world because of what’s happened to me. In writing a rape survivor’s narrative, I forgot to give a rape survivor’s perspective. I forgot myself.
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Category: Andy Humanstein, Butterfly, Clara, Sam, The War with Ourselves, adulthood, childhood, clonazepam, depression, downswing, drawing, elsewhere, freewriting, medication, neuroses, panic attacks, parents, rape, relationships, sexuality, the system, thinking, trauma, uncategorized, upswing, victimization of a population, writing, xswing
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I love the feel of the charcoal pencil in my hands. The heft and the way it spreads across the newsprint: it feels like I’m making it snow and changing the landscape. I have to let this out. Tomorrow, I’m going to Pearl to pick up some pencils and newsprint.
I’m bursting with creative energy. I want to get this out of me. I need to get this out through my hands, channel it. It’s almost sexual in nature. It’s like a desperate horniness, in a way. I have to cum. I have to express. I’m building. I’m writhing. Nothing is satisfying me. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, but I want it to go away. It’s like a compulsion to express myself. It’s almost torture. Get it out. Get it out. Get the anxiety out. If I make you feel like me, in any way, I think, everything will be okay again.
I hate when I have crazy thoughts like this.
Category: downswing, drawing, freewriting, panic attacks, sexuality, trauma, writing
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