I think it’s more valuable to write about how I see the world because of what’s happened to me. In writing a rape survivor’s narrative, I forgot to give a rape survivor’s perspective. I forgot myself.
Archive for the Category »the system «
Category: Andy Humanstein, Butterfly, Clara, Sam, The War with Ourselves, adulthood, childhood, clonazepam, depression, downswing, drawing, elsewhere, freewriting, medication, neuroses, panic attacks, parents, rape, relationships, sexuality, the system, thinking, trauma, uncategorized, upswing, victimization of a population, writing, xswing
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He was! No one talked to this guy in high school. He gave all of himself to everyone. That would freak most people out. When was the last time someone offered all their resources to you? When was the last time you offered all your resources to someone?
Nobody does that. That’s weird. Isn’t it?
Category: freewriting, the system, thinking
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My thoughts don’t feel worthy enough to write down. The self disgust is literally choking me. I’m nauseous and gasping for air. My fingertips are cold-blooded–my toes, the room. I want to meaninglessly fuck someone–anyone–to punish myself. I want to relive my fracturing. I want to enjoy it this time. I want to be in control. Maybe the cuming won’t feel like such a dirty secret pleasure this time.
It wasn’t even an issue until Andy from the dorms– I dream of taking a bat to his legs, shattering his hip when he’s down, thereby crippling him for life. But that wouldn’t make me feel better. Only when I know he’s dead, incapable of hurting another person again, will I feel better. Only when everyone stops cautiously whispering about mental illness and sexual assault will I feel better.
Another reason to lash myself: I haven’t yet yelled above a whisper. I need to practice screaming for a while.
Tomorrow.
Category: Andy Humanstein, The War with Ourselves, depression, elsewhere, freewriting, rape, sexuality, the system, trauma, writing, xswing
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