I’m sitting opposite myself, wondering when I’ll be okay.  I’m thinking never at this rate, but who the fuck even cares anymore?  Isn’t it always the same?  Aren’t I always dissatisfied?  Aren’t I always fucked up?  I don’t even care anymore; how am I supposed to hope or believe that other people do?

I don’t even care, and that pisses me off.

But I don’t know what to do with my anger.  I don’t know what to say about it or even why it’s happening.

I can’t hear myself in my own head anymore.  My writing voice is gone.  I’m searching my old journals for it, but I’m blocked.  I’m mute.  I am mute.  How do I begin to say anything?  How do I begin to channel a voice I can no longer remember?

I can’t accept it.  That’s a more precise phrasing.  My voice is in here with me, but I’m judging it so harshly…

I’m afraid I don’t know what to say.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs until I collapse unconscious.  I want lively experiences I’ll never have, living the way I’ve been since graduation.

So, what needs to change now?!  What do I need to do to be happy?  Because college wasn’t it.